I have been playing a roll for a few years now, I’ve been hurt so many times by people. I created this self defense mechanism and barrier which people can eventually sense as fake, I put on a mask and try to act. I can’t find who I am anymore. I find most people to know who they are and can socialize easily and get people to like them, I’m the opposite, I’m no longer the person who would socialize and feel natural, it started since I started being lied to, being around hypocrite people, sensing negative views and vibes around me, people with double intentions, people who dislike you but put a mask on. It has gotten worse to the point I know I’m being fake and so do people, some people try to tolerate my behaviour by acting the same as I do, they are like a mirror, it’s like a magnet I can pass on to people and people can pas on to me, I have failed to like people in every job, I’m always nervous because I’ve set up my mind to know that they will eventually find out I have social issues in a few days, or that I’m weird which causes most of the people who are just as me to develop a barrier, hateful or distant behaviour, I’m not hurting any one, I just developed this self defense mechanism that is covering who I am, I used to(and down deep) still feel I’m a clean mirror, I used to believe in everyone, feel everyone was good, give a chance, I’d see the beautiful side on everybody, no prejudice, treat every one equal, forgive easily and still believe but the repetitive bad vibes in most of the people I met, the hypocrisy, disappointments, specially jealousy made me broke down and put on a mask to not be hurt again or t least don’t feel hurt but it’s getting worse and people outside and mainly at my job talk and feel what is going on, they are also nasty since they are hypocrite and talk behind my back, even the ones I think I might open to once I express how I feel to them if they show interest in my persona, they are all the same…everybody is acting bad, I want to go back to who I am, a humanitarian, honest, balanced, loving faithful, innocent being. Society and experiences have made me what I am now, why did I let that happen? I can’t hide from them, am I just weak and naive? People are so jealous and bad minded nowadays that I just feel like vanishing to not feel, get emotional and put on a mask in a nervous and fake manner to not get hurt any more but I still do….is it karma?
Please help, I’m sad and numb.
Thank you.
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